FUNNY PRIESTLY LIFE
CAUTION!! Do not operate heavy machinery or swallow sharp objects while reading this! May cause dizziness if read backwards!
The life of a priest is full of dedication, discipline, prayer, counseling, reflection and preaching about life and death. No place for gigglers. Once in while, however, there is a modest bright side. Below a few stories to illustrate that. Every month I will submit at least 2 more, so do not forget to check this site. I do not run the stories through any language editing. Please, feel free to correct my language in ‘Comments’. I will sincerely appreciate it.
CHANGE OF ODORS
Recently I bought a car. It has been doing great and I am glad to have it. There was only this one thing: the interior had a nondescript nauseating sweet-sour smell. I checked with the place where I had bought the car and they explained it with the “lifestyle” of former owners. There was nothing they could do.
So I put in an air freshener. I noticed an immediate transformation. The smell turned from nondescript to strawberry nauseating sweet-sour.
Defeated, I let in the Phoenix smog which squelched any trace of strawberry, nauseating or sweet-sour. Now I decided to challenge the smog, in turn. I still feel torn apart between Ocean Breeze and Italian Pine. And then, there is this psychological pain. If I had to watch this guy being transported away on a stretcher by paramedics, him all bleeding, with broken bones and generally messed up, I would feel such a profound sorrow for this life so senselessly and recklessly wasted. The knowledge that it was all his fault (after all, he provoked me!) would be unbearable. If he only had acted as I wanted him to, this whole self-induced tragedy could have been avoided. This grief might get to me so much that it would ruin my entire naptime after lunch.
HAPPY AMERICANS
As I first came to America almost every situation was a new surprise. Once somebody told me to go to his secretary and she would be “happy” to give me a certain phone number. In my school English “happy” went with a “happy marriage”, a “happy motherhood”, a “happy newly wed couple watching a sunset together” or a “happy lottery winner”. I was quite surprised that a grown-up woman would find such a trivial, or even boring activity so enjoyable. As I was standing in front of her I was even more surprised, because she was acting like a nice lady, not at all like some weird whacko with no social life.
Then I bought something in a store and the shop assistant pointed to two teenage boys saying that they would be “happy” to wrap it up for me. The boys happened to be non-white so my imagination ran wild. I assumed that the poor boys were being exploited there by this white lady who locked them up all night in some backyard shed and made them work in the store during the day. What other explanation would you have for teenage boys who are “happy” if they may wrap some piece of tourist junk for you? Moved with sympathy I tipped them quite well what they received with visible puzzlement. This in turn convinced me even more of how otherwise pitifully uneventful their poor lives must have been.
Then, on another occasion, somebody assured me he would be “MORE than happy” to do something for me and this stopped me dead in my tracks. “Wait a minute!” I thought. “MORE than happy? How can that be possible?” And finally it struck me – it is an expression! Just an empty phrase that they rattle off all day. They do not MEAN it! What a relief. For a terrifyingly long moment I thought I was surrounded by some really strange people.
DO NOT TELL OTHERS!
I am a technically handicapped person. I can operate a watch, a microwave, but fixing a simple mechanical problem is beyond my intelligence.
Recently I came home after a long and tiring day. It was still early but I longed already for my bed. I drove into the garage and realized that it was very dark inside. I groaned – some light feature in the garage must have broken. The last thing I needed now was struggling to fix something around the house. As I was gathering my stuff from the car I was thinking who I could ask for help without too much embarassment that as an adult man I so am uncapable of handling the problem myself.
As I was getting out of the car some of the clutter slipped out of my hands and fell to the floor. I groaned again – all these impish little things happen to you always when you are tired and need them the least. I stooped down to pick the objects up and my sun glasses fell from my face onto the papers spread out on the floor.
And suddenly there was light again! I could see clearly! No light features needed fixing! Life was great again! Hoorey!
FAILED TO BEAT UP
Sometimes I feel like beating some guys up. But I don’t beat people up. I’m too sensitive for that. I know it would hurt.
For instance, if I banged this guy in his face, his stomach, his neck, etc, pretty soon I would overuse my knuckles. And my knuckles are too sensitive for that. They would hurt.
And then, if I started to scratch this guy’s face all over and other accessible places with bare skin, pretty soon I would risk breaking a fingernail. And my fingernails are very sensitive. So this would really hurt.
That’s why I don’t beat people up. I’m too sensitive for that. I know it would hurt.
I feel like a failure.
CONFESSION
If you think I will disclose funny situations from my hearing confessions, dream again. It is prohibited. It is called the ‘seal of confession’. But there is still enough to laugh about. See below.
A small girl went to confession. Afterwards she returned to her mother in tears. “Father told me to pray Three-Hail-Maries. But I know only how to pray one Hail Mary” (heard from Mrs. Cathee Murray’s first husband)
Fr. Voytek, an elderly priest and a friend of mine, told me once that as a very young priest he went to confession a few days before Easter. Even today the last days of Lent are very busy for priests in Poland. They sit in confessionals most of the day listening to countless confessions. So this friend of mine goes to church, stands in a long line and finally his turn comes. He approaches the elderly priest hearing confessions and starts his confession with the information that he himself is a priest. The elderly reverend interrupts him furiously: “You have a nerve! How dare you bother me right now! With all the crowds we are having! Don’t you have anything to do in your parish?” Fr. Voytek springs up, his face red hot, and starts to run away past the long lines of people. They have, of course, no idea what it is all about. The elderly priest leans out of his confessional and yells after the young Fr. Voytek:”… and don’t you ever do this again!” The gazes of all follow the scurrying priest and everybody wonders what great a sin this guy must have committed.
CONFUSED IN AMERICA
English is a difficult language. One day I think I finally know it, next day – boom! – some surprise again.
I drove up to a booth at the entrance of one of the Maricopa Regional Parks near Phoenix, AZ and asked whether the annual pass I had was valid in that park too. The friendly lady in the booth glanced at it and said, ”You bet!” I was a bit surprised that a lady in a park booth would want me to bet. I would much rather prefer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer, but ok, I was in America, in another culture. So I ventured, “Ok, so I bet 5$ that it is valid” The lady gave me a slightly puzzled look then she laughed out loud, “You are funny”. I thought, “Well, I have heard better jokes but here you are, alone in a booth all day…” Later, some friends explained to me what she meant by “You bet!”
When I first came to Arizona I had to learn to negotiate my way through the Phoenix traffic. There are certain differences from what I know about driving in Europe. I tried hard to stick to all the rules in order to avoid unnecessary attention from police officers. I made sure I stayed within speed limits. Funny enough on a certain highway I was the fastest car, passing all others, and I was still driving below the posted limit. As I turned into another highway, however, all of a sudden I was the slowest car. The posted speed limit was ridiculously low and still everybody was zooming past me, apparently not bothering much about the restriction. Finally I realized that I had been driving the highway numbers!
COFFEE’N THE BIBLE
Once, at a dinner in a parish in Phoenix, the cook offered coffee. One Franciscan priest next to me ordered coffee ‘as God intended it to be’ by which he meant ‘black, no sugar’.Well, I (Pawel Stawarczyk) prefer to collaborate with God on his creation so I put cream and sugar in my coffee. I thought you might want to know.
I, THE COOK
I (Pawel Stawarczyk) would rather clean toilets than cook. (Which means “I hate cooking”. By “hate” I mean “hate, dislike strongly”) The only way I cook is ‘organic’. This is how it goes: with my organic hands I take the box with food and place it skillfully in the microwave. With my organic finger I expertly push the button. With my organic hands – using years of experience – I take the box out of the microwave and with my organic fingers – like a maestro with his violin – I peel off the plastic. As you see everything is done by my pure muscle power. It is all natural, biological, organic.
INTELLIGENCE
My friends’ dogs are very intelligent. They understand Polish fluently and when I give them a lengthy lecture about the influence of the old Assyrian suffix *-hgrma on the philosophical works of the 16th
century Norwegian poets, the dogs listen with full dedication and commitment. And now, look at yourselves guys – I doubt whether you would give me so much attention to that topic. And you don’t understand Polish fluently either!
Hi, Fr. Pawel–
What a great site! I love your stories, especially the one about “I bet!” My husband is from Venezuela and when he first came here he had some funny things like that happen to him. He and I are the proud parents of five boys and we attend the 10:30 a.m. Mass every Sunday. We heard you preach about keeping it simple a couple of weeks ago. Above, where it says “Website” I directed you to the Phoenix diocesan site. I am a columnist and writer for The Catholic Sun newspaper. It fits in nicely with trying to raise all these kids! Hope to see you at Mass soon. Keep up the blog–it’s wonderful.
Joyce Coronel
Mrs. Joyce Coronel, thank you so much for encouragement. Coming from a columnist and writer – it is a huge honor to me. And jugling this with five boys – respect! I hope we can shake hands after Mass next time I preside at 10:30. Please, say hello to your husband. It is nice to know that there is someone who understands my pain with English:)
Welcome Fr Pawel
My family and I are so excited to have you be a part of St Timothy’s we have missed the influence of our Polish holy father. My husband and I have four girls ranging from first grade, at the academy to freshman at ASU. I am 100% Polish my husband sadly for him is not at all. My girls are very driven to keep up Polish traditions so we try to make keilbasa and peirogies once a year. We were at your mass last week when you spoke of being just another guy in the line. That homily has stayed with me all week you have such a wonderful way of making your message alive. We hope you are very happy at St Tim’s and stay for a long long while.
I must confess, I am not catholic although I accompany my wife to Mass regulary. I have very much enjoyed hearing you, your stories are quite enteraining. I look forward to enjoying mass with you again.
Dear Fr. Pawel,
Welcome to St. Tim’s. We are Sooooo very pleased to have you with us. Your homily’s are great and I think this blog is a great idea too. This morning’s homily really hit home as our prayer group is going to be helping another parish have a Life In The Spirit seminar. Two of our members are leaders in this undertaking and some of us will be praying for the Baptism of The Spirit on each of the candidates. One of the leaders was extremely worried that she was not doing all she should to prepare this group for the Spirit. You nailed it (another American idiom) with your words “just provide the water and God will bring the Spirit”. Thanks for bringing us that valuable piece of advice for which we all needed reminding.
My husband, Frank usually go to the 10:30 Mass on Sundays and try hard to get to morning Mass. (Don’t always make it, tho) so we’ll try to say hi when we see you.
P.S. We have a granddaughter who is half Polish and speaks the language very well. She lives in near Washington, D.C. so I will pass your blog address on to her. She is quite fluent in a number of languages and would be delighted to talk to you. Donna Keough
Mrs. King, I am so sorry for you that you married a non-Polish man. But your solution is perfect – keep feeding him with kielbasa and pierogi and in no time he will become a decent person, eligible for heaven. At least your girls have good chances of an effortless access to happy eternity. Thank you for your kind words – you all as parishioners are doing a great job of turning this parish into a welcoming and attractive community. Let’s keep each other in prayers. Blessings.
Ah, and please say ‘hello’ to your husband (in English).
Mr. Jack Ryan, thank you for loving your wife to the point of accompanying her to a Catholic Mass. We are glad we can pray with both of you. Please let me know when ‘entertaining’ starts to replace ‘deep’.
May God bless you and your family.
Mrs. Donna Keough, thanks for thanking but following the message – I merely provided water. Tell us more about the seminar – it sounds interesting.
Please, say ‘hello’ (or ‘czesc’) to your granddaughter. Blessings.
Hi Fr. Pawel,
I can tell by the previous messages that you have adjusted well into your new parish/home. I am happy for you, (but still not over the sadness that we feel without you here in Anthem!) St. Tim’s is a lucky parish to have you!
It was nice to hear you on our voicemail yesterday. I am pleased to have you share Jim’s “Hail Mary” story on your blog. Thanks for your kind consideration. I will surely visit again, regularly, (the blog, that is!) And if we are ever in Mesa, we’ll visit in person too!
Erin and Meghan and I are adjusting to life without Jim for a while. He left on his “adventure” last Sunday (1/13). He is on the east coast for a few weeks and due to arrive in Iraq in early February. Please keep him your prayers.
May God continue to bless you.
Mrs. Murray, thank you so much for your kind words. I enjoy this parish very much but there is no contradiction when I say that I miss Anthem and all the good people and the friends there. I miss the rabbits and the coyotes scurrying around. Mesa is not as consciously ‘Sonoran’ as Anthem, let alone New River. But on the other hand, a bunch of grocery stores and fitness centers are 2 minutes away in all directions.
If you are planning on coming to Mesa somewhen, please, let me know.
I will surely pray for all of you regarding the Iraq stay. I mean it.
Blessings.
Hello Father Pawel,
Great homily tonight about St. John Bosco. It’s great to be learning so much! I am very grateful that God has given you so many gifts. Do good things, sing happy songs, and let the sparrows sing! right
Are the sparrows the noisy annoyances in daily life?
Looking forward to meeting you around the parish.
You’re in my prayers
Glory to God!
Dear Mrs. Barcelo, thank you for your prayers. This sentence of John Bosco is open to your interpretation, but I understand it the way you put it. Blessings.
Fr. Pawel, This is our first visit to your blog and we love it. We will be back to visit often we promise you. We usually attend the 5 PM Mass on Saturday and hope to see you at that Mass from time to time. We have been parishioners at St. Tim’s since 1985 and we look forward to attending Mass every week. We hear nothing but good things about the Masses that you preside over and can’t wait until we can see you at the Saturday Mass. Welcome to St Tim’s and we hope your stay with us will be long and prayer filled.
God bless.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Brown, I appreciate your feedback. 1985 – wow! – that is a long time. I am happy to meet somebody who has been faithful for so long. See you at Saturday Masses!
Hello! I am so happy to have you at our parish! You give a great homily. Today, the 10th of Feb., at the 10:30am mass, the homily you gave was amazing for the first week of lent! It is nice to have someone with refreshing and new outlooks on what the readings and Gospel says each week. My grandmother came over from Poland when Hitler was invading during WWII, and I hope to see the birthplace of my heritage. Welcome to St. Tim’s!
Dear Jessica, thank you for the feedback and the welcoming words. Please, remember that without being in Cracow, Poland you will never get into heaven. Purgatory will be your best option then. So off you go to Poland! (This is part of the secret teachings of the Catholic Church. You will not find it in the catechism, but I thought you had the right to know)
Father Pawel,
I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy both your website and your masses. It seems like every week that you preside over the mass I attend, you say something that God has intended for MY ears.
I am going through the RCIA process for confirmation. I must say that over the last few weeks, your homilies have been immensely important to my spiritual growth toward my sacraments. You have a wonderful blend of humor, respect, and reverence. You are truly a blessing to the St. Tim’s community.
Ms. Silverman, I was very moved by your words. I am happy to hear that my work is meaningful. We all know it is God working through us. What a joy that I can be part of it.
I understand your confirmation is approaching. I will pray for you in these last weeks of your preparation and I will thank God for the wonderful gifts He has in store for you for the time after the confirmation.
Ha! Thanks for the heads-up! Thank you for all you do.
You are most welcome, Jessica.
Fr. Pawel,
I have to echo Bridgette’s comment: I’m very grateful that God has given you so many gifts…and that He has sent you to St. Tim’s! The Holy Spirit is very evident in you. Also, since you would like feedback, I think your Thursday homilies are excellent. They are very thought-provoking, and, personally, I hope you do not receive 7 complaints about your series on the Holy Spirit.
I was wondering, have you heard of Paul Murphy? He is a Servant of God that is from the Miles Jesu community here in Phoenix, and he lived a very ordinary holiness. I thought maybe he would be an interesting person to discuss on one of the Thursdays with no set saint. Just a thought.
You are in my prayers,
Lindsay Brennan
Ms. Brennan,
thank you so much for your comments. It is so good to know that the topics of the Thu Mass are useful.
I have just googled P. Murphy and I am glad to learn that there is a local Servant of God. Thanks! We will definitely have a closer look at him on one of the coming Thursdays.
Myself, I also hope very much that I do not hear 7 complaints. I am already all excited about the listening to the Holy Spirit series.
Blessings.
You are a gift to St. Tim’s. My teens are taking from your homilies, strength, wisdom, and love, and carrying that light to their peers. All Christ is doing through you, is so deeply appreciated. May you not grow weary.
Dear Rene,
thank you so much for every word. We preachers, we need your feedback in order to serve you better. Thank you for yours. Blessings.
Fr. Pawel, you are truly a blessing to the St. Tim’s Community! Thank you for positive, uplifting homilies that teach and inspire, and are not easily forgotten. God bless you–He certainly has blessed us with your presence.
As an aside, if you’d like to continue your Arizona Backcountry-Ministry-On-Horseback we happily offer you an equine for the job. (Don’t worry, after about 1800 seconds in the saddle you get use to it.)
Szkoda, ze nie znam angielskiego i nie jestem pewna czy dotrze moja wiadomosc, ale moze by ksiadz napisal takze ta ksiazke po polsku???? Szczesc Boze.
Dear Lisa,
thank you so much for your feedback. I need it always.
As for horse riding, I am very thankful for the invitation. I will definitely need more than 1800 seconds to think about it. Blessings.
Pani Tereso, trudno jest znalezc wydawce w Polsce, kiedy tam nie mieszkam i nie czuwam nad sprawami. Ale nie mow nigdy nigdy. Pozyjemy, zobaczymy.
Z Bogiem.
Dear Fr. Pawel:
Thank you so much for sharing your funny stories. I enjoyed reading all of them, but especially the one about cooking organically. I laughed so hard and loud that I think my neighbors heard me!
On a more serious note, thank you for all that you are doing for the Glory of God and for bringing us Jesus. You are appreciated.
Mary,
thank you so much. I am glad you laughed because I get a raise for every laughter. In case you are sued by your neighbors for laughing loud because of my jokes, I will get promoted. So – thanks again.
Blessings.
Father Pawel, witnam! I truly enjoy getting to know more about you from you BLOG. I am Polish and Yugoslavian (Croation and Slovanian) I am very proud of my heritage, culture, language and my maiden name, Piotrowska. I feel so blessed that inspiring Polish priest is in my parish, you. My middle name is Jadwiga. When I visited Cracow recently, I prayed at the tomb of Jadwiga for her intercession. My Polish pride is always a part of my life, but most of all when Pope John Paul was the leader of our Church. I miss my parents who have died, and I equally miss Pope John Paul. You are an amzing person. Whenever I hear your homily or sermon, your words stay with me all week. Thank you for letting the Holy Spirit guide you and you in turn guide us. My family and I would be honored if you joined us for dinner someday at our home. Dowidzenia, maria (piotrowska)benner
I enjoy your website and am glad you came to St. Tim’s, God Bless you and keep the stories coming. You remind me of a priest that was my good frined many years ago. I left the USA for a few years and lost touch. BTW is there a place where you can look up a priest ? Is there an electronic board? Fr. Joesph Maguire many yeaqrs at ST. Patricks in Somerset, MA late 1980’s….al the best…dennis
Dear Dennis,
I am glad you liked the blog. Finding a priest may be easy if you “google” him and he is somewhere recorded in the cyberspace. Another way would be to contact the parish you mentioned or the diocese, hoping that the nice lady on the other end will consider spending some time digging around. As a last resort I would contact some friends who knew him too. Good luck on that. I am sure Fr. Joseph will be happy to hear from you, even if he does not answer.
Blessings.
Barbara (my wife) and I attended “Meet Mrs. Kowalski” last Thursday and we enjoyed it very much. The deserts were great.
When you asked the young girl to name who in the group liked “guinea pigs” I thought she should have said you! Or did you not tell the kids that you raised them as a boy. See you Thursday night… God Bless You
Dear Mrs. Benner,
I am glad to hear there are some “relatives” in the parish. I like visiting the tomb of Queen Jadwiga too. I hope you have a chance to experience the Slovenian and Croatian Catholic heritage which is also very rich.
Blessings,
Fr. Pawel
Fr. Pawel,
Better late than never, but welcome to St. Tim’s! I do so enjoy your explanations before each reading. I find it helps me to stay focused because I have a clue what to look for.
Let me get to my request. While my father was alive, he taught me some Polish words, good and bad. He didn’t remember the prayer before meals, but he did remember the signing…”In the name of the Father, and the Son…..”. I was hoping we could record you saying the rest of the meal blessing…”Bless us oh Lord and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive, from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen.” I would greatly appreciate it if you would do that for us, please?
Sincerely,
Theresa (aka Tracy) Gilbert
Dear Father Pawal,
I know this is a little late, but welcome to St Tim’s! We are glad to have you.
I enjoy your homilies; there is always a great message.
And if you ever need help with understanding American slang, I would be happy to help you out, I am the queen of slang!
Father, your homily this past Saturday, about suffering, was terrific. Thank you for always telling us the truth. It is refreshing to hear.
God bless you,
Lindsay
Hi Fr. Pawel, I thoroughly enjoy reading your blogs! I don’t often happen to laugh out loud while reading something on my computer screen…but your writing is funny, witty and compelling. We feel so blessed to have you at St. Timothy’s.